of lumbago, subdural haematomas and pain

I've been somewhere on the 'sick ... well' scale during the last several weeks. I'm mostly at the 'well' end now, but have to head in to the hospital for another minor operation in January. It's nothing life-threatening! There were two botched attempts in October/November and I'm going back for more! Some people just never learn!

On each of the previous efforts they gave me an anaesthetic and the doctor assured me that I'd be partially awake, but wouldn't remember anything. Well, I remember everything including the pain and the exact conversations the doctor and nurses were having. I remember the doctor shaking his head and saying 'I've never seen anything like it. Really. Never. Nothing like it!' I remember the nurse saying 'Doctor. The oxygen. She's not getting enough oxygen.' I remember them saying, 'Breathe. Breathe deep. Breathe deep. Keep breathing. Deep. Open your eyes Madam M. Open your eyes. Look at me. Can you look at me? Breathe deep. Keep breathing.' While all this was going on I was thinking, why? What's all the fuss? I'm fine. I just feel like a nap. Leave me alone.

For the second op they told K they knew exactly where they had to snip out some bits and it would just take 20 minutes so he might as well just wait outside rather than go home. I can remember lying on the table watching the clock. 20 mins. 25 mins. 40 mins. An hour and 10 mins. Two hours and 20. Three hours. I remember thinking, poor K. What's he thinking? He must be really worried. He's probably wondering if my life insurance is paid up ... calculating the monetary value of my continued life v my demise. When it got to 3 hours and 30 mins the doctor decided to give up saying it wasn't fair on me or on him. The pain was awful and I'd been begging him for the last hour and a half to give me more anaesthetic or to stop. When he finally gave up I thought 'About bloody time!'

Since then I've been on meds and the challenge has been to get the dosage right. Too much or too little and side effects are just awful. Things were going quite well until today. I'm wondering if today's symptoms are related to the meds or something altogether different! Do you know the senstation of just wanting time to roll on so that you get past an unpleasant episode in your life? That's kind've how I feel. Let's just fast forward a few months please.

Another random thought ... you know how some old people live for their illnesses? It's all they ever talk about ... well ... hmmm. I think I need a new topic of conversation.